Some of the sweetest truths come as we sit and talk together. Yesterday, as we discussed hearing the voice of God, a gal said, “I honestly don’t know in my heart of hearts if I trust God’s plan more than my plan.”
Brave.
Brave to say what I wish I would have realized for a long, long time. I lost a decade on that one…pursuing my plan because I didn’t trust His. Honestly, I knew what I wanted, and that’s what my sights were set on. What if He didn’t want that for me? I was unwilling to give up my plans for my life. And then just as the Israelites had to wander in the desert for 40 years so they could experience God as their Provider, I had to lose my mind. Literally, lose my mind.
After my daughter’s heart failure, near death, and spontaneous recovery, I was still bound and determined to be in charge of my destiny. I returned to the office in a reasonable time and thoroughly planned to have my life return to my routine. As I would meet with client after client, I felt a burning to tell those around us what God had done. I saw God work in those stories. We had some wonderful conversations, yet as time went on my throat would get tight, and I could barely breathe enough to finish the story. I would wake up in the middle of the night telling the story in my head and have to get to the end where she didn’t die.
Then my memory began to get foggy.
My husband would ask me what I did with the kids that day…and I wouldn’t know. Had we gone to the library…or did we go fishing in the pond? I had no recollection. I started taking pictures of the day so when he would ask I could go back to them and trigger a memory of what had happened that day. Then one day when I went to sign some papers, and I had forgotten how to form the letters in my name. I couldn’t remember my signature. I had lost myself.
Through this all, I now know God as my healer, as my Rescuer, as my Redeemer. This was part of my wandering through the desert so that I could experience my God…not just know about him. It was not until I was at total desperation that I knew His plans to be better than mine…and the honest desire of my soul was to give Him my everything.
I would never have chosen this path, yet my biggest tragedies became my most bountiful blessings. God gave me my physical life back, but He also showed me what true life is, and it was a way I had never lived.
Free and beautifully broken…it is the way I live, and the way I never want to forget. This is the free life. The life I never knew I always wanted.
