This week as I was outside, I pulled up what looked like a weed and found an acorn attached to the leaves. Acorns fall from the trees in September/October, so this little guy was buried by a squirrel months ago. After being hidden in the dark all winter, it made me wonder what about the conditions made this acorn sprout at the tail end of June.
It took me back to a time when I was sitting in my sister’s van following behind the ambulance carrying my daughter when she transferred hospitals as her heart was failing. My husband was in the backseat, and I clearly remember thinking, “Wow, so what does life look like when this happens…these are the dark days when people talk about their lives falling apart.”
Time passes quickly, and if we are lucky, we will have situations in our lives that cause us to stop and recalibrate. In that ambulance was my Samantha, one of my biggest blessings; yet another one of God’s most gracious miracles to me was the breaking of my heart. When the darkness came and I began to lose the things that I held most dear, the seeds of faith that had been planted over the years broke open and began to sprout, like the little acorn hidden through the winter.
In the dark God shined brightly, allowing me the opportunity to trust Him with everything and when I could no longer hold it all together, He showed me that He already was…revealing how wise it was to let go of the things I held most tightly to and release them into His hands. When I let my firm grasp die and let God take control of my everything, my heart sprouted. My life became one worth living, and I stopped losing years on the things I thought I wanted to live for. There were seeds of faith in my heart before we were following that ambulance, but they were small and undeveloped and had been choked and crowded by busy and the demands of the life that I was growing on my own with God in the backseat.
Learn to walk in the light so when the darkness comes, you will know how to walk through it. When the darkness came I found the free life but if I had not known my Jesus the darkness would have swallowed me whole.
I hadn’t felt the passion I had seen in others before the dark days. Knowing God was something that I wanted, but it was more of a casual way of life for me rather than a passion-filled pursuit. Can you relate to that? Trying to read your Bible because you should, or pray because you should. Even when the follow of my God was filled with “shoulds,” He was preparing me for what life “could,” and when it did, what He “would.”
Your follow of God might seem like the collection of little seeds, and they may not feel like they are doing much. Keep on gathering. Fill your mind and your heart with the things you would want to understand even if you can’t quite grasp them. Plead with God for understanding. It will likely not be following an ambulance when those seeds start to grow. Hopefully it will be a song or a sermon or a sunrise. But when the conditions are just right, as God whispers in your ear, you will hear, and the little seeds you have been planting will be in the right environment to break through and sprout.
If you find something about God…anything about God…remotely attractive, keep collecting, keep planting, continue putting the little pieces together…ask God to show you Himself, to make your heart come alive. This little acorn was tucked away in the dirt, yet it laid dormant. Every big, strong, vibrant tree has to start somewhere, and God builds big faith out of the smallest of seeds. Keep at it.
This is the life I never knew I always wanted.
