“I’ve got no friends.”
I found myself sitting with a younger mom at a baby shower. Her kids were with her husband and she could finally linger to chat. “Well of course you don’t. You have three kids under the age of four.” I remember that feeling…when you could look someone in the eye and have a conversation, and as you did the feeling in the air was different. Why? Because you hadn’t had a conversation with an adult about something you actually cared about…in.so.long.
I remember telling one of my husband’s friends that I had the best morning at a Burger King play place with refillable Diet Coke and a gal I didn’t know very well. He looked at me like I was an alien and made a sarcastic remark…but you know what? My kids were contained, I got to chat for an hour, and when I came home, the toys weren’t any messier than before. It was a GREAT day.
During these tricky years, friendship is difficult but important. First, because you need to stay alive and second, because you want to experience these young kid years with other people remembering when your kids were young together. But if everyone is drowning in diapers, what can you do?
Here is a simple list of some ideas to build some friendship in these little kid years:
-When we first had kids and I was working a lot, the sole thing I felt permission to give myself “time” for was to work out. Feed your baby and meet your friend in front of her house to go running or on a walk. It’s okay if it is crazy early, or even after you put the kids to bed. You are likely both keeping strange hours in an attempt to find a new balance, so grab your time. “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” has now turned into, “People have time at 5 o’clock nowhere.” Choose your new meet time and make it something you can count on. If you belong to a gym, and your time is more of your own, ask other moms if they want to walk or run on the treadmill and chat. You may need to go when they can workout. That’s ok…be flexible…gain a friend.
-Go to the free library reading groups or events hosted by local toy and children’s clothing stores. Often the same people are going every week. Don’t run in rushed. Plan to be there thirty minutes early (so you will actually arrive ten minutes before) and stay late. These may not be your life-long friends, but companionship and a few laughs can do a lot for your heart.
-When you decide to do a new activity, like Kindermusik, dance, gymnastics, or swimming lessons, invite others to do it with you. I posted that we were looking for another kid to do piano lessons with my oldest on my Facebook feed, my now-friend Louise answered.
-Come early to preschool pickup, stand in line at the building or outside your car, and get to know the other moms. You will find the same moms come early every day to pickup.
-Keep your same time schedule even when you have help. If your spouse may be able to drop off or pick up at daycare, use that time to grab a quick phone call or coffee with a friend. If you can get your groceries at a drive up, arrange to pick them up at the same time as a friend. Grab a soda, sit on the curb, and pour your extra twenty minutes into friendship rather than your social media feed.
-If you go to a church, volunteer in the nursery or kids programming. You will get to know the kids and other volunteering parents there.
-Join a MOPs group. This will give you some time with other moms and is a natural place for conversation while someone else watches your babies for a couple of hours. Ask the other moms if they want to meet at Chick-Fil-A for a playdate. Grab a lemonade and a side of companionship.
-Ask other moms to stay after school or your child’s activity and play at the park…ask a group…you will find the ones looking for friendship.
Give yourself permission to make friendship a priority…and build it into the things you are already doing. It doesn’t need to be Disney Land. Make it sustainable: parks, bounce house places, fast food joints…places that are contained, where your people can play but you don’t have to be on their tails the entire time, and you don’t feel like you need to have a clean house and muffins…this stage just doesn’t allow for it. Someday you will be able to sit at a table, but right now that expectation might just bring frustration.
It may seem like an eternity away, but you will still remember how to chat about things other than runny noses and diaper subscriptions. This will pass. Until then, linger, chat, wipe other peoples’ kids’ noses. You will find soon you have a friend.
