As our website was about to launch after months of writing and editing, there was a whisper in my head that continued to taunt me: doubt. Not doubt in what God told me to do. Not even doubt in the words I had written, because I believe those are His and not mine. It was the nagging whisper that I have repeated to myself forever: “You can’t do more than one thing well.” It was thick and suffocating, and honestly, it made me want to stop. I wanted to throw up my white flag of surrender, say, “What was I thinking?” and walk away.
Mark 9:24, “I believe, help me not to doubt” hit me right between the eyes when I was reading one day. In my doubt, what I wasn’t grasping was that my God already knows. He knows that I have a difficult time balancing. He knows me.
God always has more truth to reveal to us, and my picture of Him knowing me was a childlike one. Almost like Santa, “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.” I felt like God was going to catch me doubting, rather than catch me when I was falling.
How would my picture and relationship with God change if I believed He knew my heart?
My dad calls me darling. His dad called me darling. When I walk into my parent’s house, he always says “Hi, Darling.” What if I approached my God with the expectation that He greeted me with “Hi, Darling,” and as I poured my heart out to Him, His response was “I know.”
So when I begin to doubt my capacity to do two things, what if I heard Him say, “I know, my child, I know you. Believe what I have told you.” Because I am fully known and fully loved, when I pray and ask and plead, what if I feel His hand brush the back of my head, embracing me like a loving Father saying, “I know, my child”? What if I feel His tender mercy?
That picture of intimacy would be relationship altering. Fully known and fully loved by Him.
This is a true picture of our life with God as His child. That picture will change the way I pray. As I bring my doubt to Him, rather than fearing I can’t do what He has asked, what if instead I knew I cannot do what He has asked? My God responds “Hi, Darling, I know.” And in the next breath, “But you are not alone. This is the us life, remember? Let’s begin again.” Fully known and fully loved. Free to live, filled by his love.
This is a view of God that He has been calling me to. Persistently. And in His persistent pursuit of my heart, He again asks less of me and gives me more of Himself. He gives so much more than He asks for. There is always more of Him to know. Forever I will fight to place my gaze on the Creator of my soul, and forever He will have more for me to know. For I am truly loved and truly known.
This is the free life. This is the life I never knew I always wanted.
