I was a birthday crier. Every.Single.Year. It wasn’t that the day hadn’t met my expectations, or that I didn’t feel loved by my husband or friends. But each year as I would look back, I felt a gap, like there had to be more than this.
When my son Henry was two, he asked why I had tears in my eyes at the table on my birthday. My husband told him, “Mommy always cries on her birthday.” It was just the way things were. I liked my job, I had nice friends, I loved my husband and kids…but there was a gap. I could feel it. I couldn’t explain it, but every year it made me cry.
Looking back, those are the precious spots in our lives where we feel the pull in our souls that there must be more than this. Even the gal next to you with the seemingly “perfect life,” I would not be surprised if she has that feeling too.
If you feel that gap, the next job, a great vacation, more time to yourself, your kids getting older, or your husband being a little bit nicer…none of those things will fill the gap. When your heart is aching in the plea that there must be something more than this, walk towards the whisper.
I didn’t know that it didn’t have to be this way. I didn’t know that the feeling was the byproduct of what I was chasing to fill the gap. Looking back, I can see His purposes in those years, and the ache that made me a birthday crier was a gift. What I found was that in His mercy, those tears were my God pulling at my soul whispering, “You were created for more than this.”
Do you want more? Need more? Know there must be more?
In those places where we feel the gap, we have a choice: God lets you choose. He will let you walk away like I did every year…over and over. Don’t walk away trying for another year in different ways to fill that same aching gap on your own, leaving yourself again in the exact same spot. Until God allowed me to experience some hardship, I wasn’t willing to surrender. God wasn’t asking me to change my job, things I dreamed for our kids, our church, or relationships. He was asking me to change my gaze, to look to Him rather than myself and as I did, all the other pieces fell in line.
He won’t choose for you, but He will be faithful to answer if you take even the smallest step forward. Follow that piece of your soul that wants more than you have ever known. Asking can be as simple as, “God allow me to experience what it would take to create belief in You.” As I began to believe in my God more than I believed in myself, the birthday tears stopped.
He is the answer to life. Full life. Now and forever. There is fulfillment for the void you feel in your heart. Seek it. Find it. Live like you are actually alive. This is the free life. This is the life I never knew I always wanted.
